Buy the Good Wine

Change is in the air. Actually, it happened today at my job. Two more of the original partners of the company are leaving to seek new opportunities. One surprised me, one did not.

I’m not adverse to change. I quite like it actually. There is something exciting when change happens. Yes, there are unknowns, but that’s life, right?

Maybe the news mattered less because I booked my trip to go see my family in a couple months. I mean, that’s what really matters at the end of the day. Being with my family grounds me and fills up my heart in ways only they could. As I age, I realize how precious each day is and how precious time is with those you love.

I think I will take the trip, buy the good wine, and eat deliciously. Live in the moment and make the memories.

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To Puppy or Not Puppy

You know those moments where you are faced with making a decision, a life-changing decision that would change the dynamics at home? Well, I’ve been in the midst of processing through just that. Lop on top some emotion, and it’s been a real struggle to decide what to do.

We are considering adopting a puppy. My husband came home from the groomer/boarder after picking up our two dogs to tell me about this precious puppy that looked right through his soul. He was hooked.

And I didn’t squawk at the idea. In fact, I entertained it, which shocked the he** out of me. A precious pup that needs to be rescued and loved.

Sounds adorable and fun, doesn’t it? She is – she is precious. Hence all the emotion. The problem is multifold. I have a vision of the dog I want her to be, and I have absolutely no idea if that’s even reasonable. I’m thinking it’s not. You get what you get. You train as well as you can, but you still get what you get. Plus, I have two dogs already that are not trained. Two bad influences that will be part of the puppy’s new pack. She will learn from them. And on top of that, all the training would be on my shoulders. I’m just being realistic. Lord knows I love my husband with all my heart, but all I have to go on are two dogs he’s had that were never trained. And no inclination or effort to do so at all. It would be foolish of me to assume he would jump right on board with the necessary training methods to have a well-behaved dog.

So, I kind of asked him. Actually, I didn’t ask him. I stated my concern of having it all be on me and my efforts being circumvented because others in the house are not helping with the same training and likely would be working against it. It’s a recipe for a complete disaster. He agreed.

I needed to hear him say that he would take this effort on at my side and learn whatever he needs to learn to help train her. But he didn’t. So, I think that answers my question. In a case like this, he needs to be all in. And he basically just told me he’s not in an indirect way. The kids will be disappointed, but they have no idea the undertaking required to care for and train a puppy. They only want a puppy when it’s convenient to them.

So, I guess I find myself with this big-girl decision and all I keep chanting in my head is “When in doubt, simplify… when in doubt, simplify.” It has always been my go to rule of thumb and has served me very well.

I feel relieved.

My Inside Voice is Making Me Nauseated

It occurred to me yesterday that as I have gotten older, I’ve gotten more worrisome and reactive about certain things. Fabulous. That’s really polar opposite of what I thought I’d earn with older age. I thought with all my garnered experiences, ups and downs, and learnings of how to deal with tough situations… my hard-earned street smarts, that I’d rather be the opposite. Resilient. Patient. Anticipating of next steps calmly. Seasoned. Someone who has “been there, done that” and not to worry. I’ve got this.

Instead, I find myself afraid of roller coasters. Reactive to new clients demands. Unsure of myself. Making small mistakes. Talking myself off the ledge about things that in the scheme of things do not matter. Less tolerant. Less willing to deal with difficult people. Less willing to tackle challenges of the unknown.

What the hell happened to me?

I used to take on the world, not only because I was hungry for it, but because I had to. I was a single Mom, so I had to be the sole supporter for my kids. I had to make things okay. I had teach them by example how to manage through tough situations. I had the energy, for the most part and collapsed when they were at a sleepover. I kept it all pulled together and prevented the train from derailing. And I did it with a smile and a hunger for survival and that glimmering light at the end of the tunnel that I knew would come.

You would think with all of that for so many years, that little things now would be a breeze. Well, they are things that I find myself thinking, “I’m too old for this shit” or I’m reacting like “Oh my God, what do I do?!”

It’s nauseating.

Okay, my birthday is coming up, and I still have not yet hit the big 5-0. I have a few years until that occurs. It is making me be more reflective about myself, where I’ve been, what I’ve done, what I’ve been through, where I’ve come from and where I’m at.

I need to think about this. I know myself. I know what I am capable of. I know my new job and my learning curve is making me feel unsure and that’s a large part of it. I know I need to give myself a break, but I also know I need to challenge myself on this.

Stay tuned.