My Inside Voice is Making Me Nauseated

It occurred to me yesterday that as I have gotten older, I’ve gotten more worrisome and reactive about certain things. Fabulous. That’s really polar opposite of what I thought I’d earn with older age. I thought with all my garnered experiences, ups and downs, and learnings of how to deal with tough situations… my hard-earned street smarts, that I’d rather be the opposite. Resilient. Patient. Anticipating of next steps calmly. Seasoned. Someone who has “been there, done that” and not to worry. I’ve got this.

Instead, I find myself afraid of roller coasters. Reactive to new clients demands. Unsure of myself. Making small mistakes. Talking myself off the ledge about things that in the scheme of things do not matter. Less tolerant. Less willing to deal with difficult people. Less willing to tackle challenges of the unknown.

What the hell happened to me?

I used to take on the world, not only because I was hungry for it, but because I had to. I was a single Mom, so I had to be the sole supporter for my kids. I had to make things okay. I had teach them by example how to manage through tough situations. I had the energy, for the most part and collapsed when they were at a sleepover. I kept it all pulled together and prevented the train from derailing. And I did it with a smile and a hunger for survival and that glimmering light at the end of the tunnel that I knew would come.

You would think with all of that for so many years, that little things now would be a breeze. Well, they are things that I find myself thinking, “I’m too old for this shit” or I’m reacting like “Oh my God, what do I do?!”

It’s nauseating.

Okay, my birthday is coming up, and I still have not yet hit the big 5-0. I have a few years until that occurs. It is making me be more reflective about myself, where I’ve been, what I’ve done, what I’ve been through, where I’ve come from and where I’m at.

I need to think about this. I know myself. I know what I am capable of. I know my new job and my learning curve is making me feel unsure and that’s a large part of it. I know I need to give myself a break, but I also know I need to challenge myself on this.

Stay tuned.

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