I Tried

I really tried to find positives in my job today, although that’s not accurate to say… “my job”… because I’m not doing my job. I’m doing someone else’s job. And it’s one of the things that repulses me. Sales. I tried. I really did. I looked for the feel good in buy treats for referral sources to make their day, so, in turn, it would make mine. But it didn’t. It felt more like I ran a sprint today than anything. This feeling of being unorganized and not having the resources needed to check on things when I’m on the road is very disconcerting. It’s a learning process, but I detest the fundamental nature of the job I’m helping to do.

What in the world do I do about that? Quit? Nope. Can’t exactly do that in good conscience when we are down a person due to a major illness in their family. I mean, how bad can it be for me when they are dealing with that? Still… there’s this needling piece of what I’m expected to do that makes me want to totally rebel and not care. Go in late. Leave early. Don’t worry about how much time I am sitting in my car in between visiting offices because I’m trying to get organized and find my head.

My head is a mental knot. It’s like I’m in a mental battle all day to try to make the best of something that rubs me completely wrong. That can’t be healthy, right? I don’t know. Either I’m going to break or break through. And in a dark way, I don’t want to break through and find that I might somehow like Sales. I know that is twisted. But I don’t want a situation to change me that much that it goes against what I naturally am inclined to be drawn to or away from. Does that make any sense?

Well, at least I have recognized the mental knot. It’s tight and difficult to find the piece to start tugging on in hopes that it will loosen.

Time to go loose myself in one of my favorite shows, “The Profit.” Got to love Marcus Lemonus.

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