Today was actually better. But when I reflect on the day I had and why it was better than my energy sucking previous days… it’s because I wasn’t driving around making sales calls. I had a “loaned” helper today that was able to do the task. I never know when I’m going to get my helper, which makes for near-impossible planning – again going against my grain. I am a planner and not a consistently spontaneous doer.
I met with my boss today for my weekly meeting. My intention was to point-blank tell her this was not going to work. But funny how a better day made me decide to table that discussion. I full-well know I just delayed the inevitable conversation. The mental knot loosened a little bit, but it was all a fallacy since I actually had a “regular” work day, meaning I didn’t have to go through excruciating sales efforts.
Maybe I’ll take one of those personality quizzes to find out where my interests lie. At least today I have the energy to put into doing that. I might as well take advantage. I’m actually smiling as I’m typing this. The glass of wine helps, but I feel positive and want to work on my inside truth and find my place.
What would my past self think about my present self? And I mean my past self from college, which is noteably a couple of decades ago. I pursued a totally different career dream when I started college. My Dad put the pressure on and influenced my course away from that dream through scary “how are you going to support yourself” discussions and fear inducing imagery. I certainly could not be independent and stable teaching dance. The good intentions were there weighed down with too much practical-minded father-knows-best opinion, and at a cost of a dream that would not be realized. It’s so far gone that I’m not even interested in trying to resurrect it.
Time to find and take a personality quiz. I must think more about my past-self’s opinion of my present-self.